The Worst of Humanity…

RetiredCormac
Mar 22
3 min read

Updated: Mar 28

…that is what was on my flight back from Rio this morning (BA248).

(Full disclosure: I’ve had about 1.5 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours.)

The worst of people were on this flight. To illustrate the point, I’ve listed them below. Note: some individuals may fall into more than one category—and many clearly do.

The Coughers

The relentless coughers. Either the dry, irritating kind, or the deep, guttural version where you know something unpleasant has been brought up—and you’re left wondering what they’re doing with it. Worse still when they’re out of sight.

The Sniffers

This includes the long, dramatic sniff, as well as the quieter but equally maddening repetitive sniff, sniff, sniff. Pick either one - both are as annoying.

The Clueless

Unable to locate their seat, despite the numbers being in sequence and prominently displayed. They stash their bag three rows away, then act surprised when deplaning becomes a logistical crisis.Bonus points for losing something mid-flight and conducting a full search operation using their phone torch.

The Bathroom Offenders

Those who somehow miss the toilet entirely, don’t flush, or appear fundamentally confused by how flushing works. It raises serious questions about how they manage at home. Genuinely, hats off to the cabin crew—true heroes.

The Loud Talkers

Multiple subcategories, one defining trait: loud, self-absorbed, and talking absolute nonsense/shite at full volume.

The Non-Listeners

After hearing “omelette or full English?” repeated 40 times down the aisle, they still ask:“What are the choices?” At this point, it feels deliberate.

The Lingerers

They stand in the aisle next to your seat for an uncomfortable amount of time, leaving you eye-level with their rear end. No further detail required.

The Unsafe

Those who ignore the seatbelt sign during clearly announced turbulence. Refusing to sit when requested by the cabin crew, and only when the toilets are actually locked do they reluctantly sit down. I’d rather not have their airborne dead and lifeless bodies becoming a hazard to me if things go wrong.

The Queue Jumpers

First to board, first to stand, first to rush the aisle, first to the luggage belt.And yet… we all end up waiting for bags together anyway. A pointless victory.

The Phone Offenders

No headphones. Constant notification pings. Keyboard clicks at full volume. Random torch usage.Taking terrible photos of clouds like they’ve discovered weather.

The Rustlers

Not the cattle-driving kind—the ones who cannot open a crisp packet or eat sweets without generating maximum noise. You’d think the sound of jet engines would mask it.It does not.

The Drummer

Tapping, drumming, whistling, or quietly singing—badly.We didn’t even encounter this one until the airport bus, which felt like an unnecessary sequel.

The Full Recliner

The second the wheels leave the ground—bang—seat fully back. Crushing your knees, your laptop, and your will to live. Also guarantees a deeply awkward mealtime.

Somewhere between the coughers, the sniffers, and the rustlers, I accepted this was no longer a flight, it was a test.

Airplanes are essentially a social experiment—a kind of airborne people soup at 35,000 feet. Tight space, no escape, and everyone eventually reveals their true form.

I’ll admit—I’ve probably fallen into one or two of these categories myself at times. But how we managed to get all of them on one flight is beyond me.

One final observation: the majority of passengers were over 55—which includes me.I suspect a plane full of Gen Z would present an entirely different, but equally troubling, set of behaviours.

There is one group I haven’t criticised:

The Sleepers

Those who sleep for the full 11+ hours. They step off the plane refreshed, composed, and ready to face the day without a hint of jet lag.

I hate them the most.

Deeply.

Irrationally.

And with the clarity that only 1.5 hours of sleep can provide.